


making wishes on a broken stereo

by nsrocds



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-03-28 19:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3866689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nsrocds/pseuds/nsrocds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>natasha doesn't know how to be loved</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title from "so long, soldier" by all time low

it isnt until about a month after the chitauri invaded that she starts getting texts from him.

from UNKNOWN: hey natasha  
to UNKNOWN: who the hell is this  
from UNKNOWN: steve. you know, tall, handsome, blonde  
to ROGERS: how did you get this number  
from ROGERS: i asked pepper

after this exchange, he doesn’t text her again for over a week, and she hoped hes forgotten. until

from ROGERS: i have a joke for you  
from ROGERS: what did one horse say to the other?

she didn’t dignify that with a response.

from ROGERS: nothing. horses dont talk

she put the phone away.

maybe once a week, sometimes more, she’d get messages like this. silly, pointless messages. jokes, updates from avengers tower, what he had for dinner, whatever. she rarely responded, unless it was something that actually warranted a response.

(it almost never was)

* * *

 

once, when she needed a place to lay low (but not too low) for a few weeks, she actually went to avengers tower. she had an entire floor to herself, and the privacy was wonderful. she got almost a week’s worth of rest, letting her small scrapes heal fully, eating junk food and taking 20 minute showers. she didn’t often get treats like that, and she took advantage of it.

she ventured onto the main floor a few times to get a new movie or book. even though she was sure jarvis could have done it for her, she liked getting out, and she usually avoided other people in the process, which was nice.

there was one time, however, when she ran into pepper. she was finishing up a cup of coffee, her suit perfectly pressed, but her eyes tired.

“natasha, it’s good to see you.”

small talk. ugh. “thanks for your hospitality.”

pepper smiled. “well, its technically tony’s tower, he’s the one you should thank. but you’re always welcome here, however much he may grumble about it.”

natasha smiled, going over to the massive bookshelf in the living room area of the floor. she’d read most of the titles before, but there was always something new.

“when did you last eat?” pepper asked suddenly. natasha raised an eyebrow. “sorry. i’m used to dealing with lab-rats who would rather mess with the laws of physics than stay alive. i have to feed them, or they would never eat.”

“i'd like to think i can be more responsible than tony and bruce.”

“you didn’t answer the question,” pepper noted.

she thought. “um.”

“that’s too long then. can i make you some scrambled eggs.”

natasha is too busy staring to say no.

(the eggs are delicious)

* * *

she knew who agent 13 was, of course (a legacy, but she had never relied on that legacy to get her places). but it wasn’t until after the fall of shield that she really appreciated the woman in full force.

sharon was smart, funny, a wonderful agent, altogether a good person. steve trusted her, and that meant natasha trusted her.

when she went into deep cover, she made sure to give steve her new phone number. she liked getting his little text updates. she didn’t expect steve to give her number to anyone else, though.

she had snapchat on her phone (because its a smartphone and it came with it and she couldn’t be bothered to delete it okay?), but she didn’t think anyone would actually try to get ahold of her through it.

she doesn’t know who it is, but its a picture of a meeting table filled with nothing but old white men, captioned #cialife. it could only be sharon; she’s the only person in the cia that natasha actually knows.

she blocks out the camera and takes a picutre, then writes “don’t bother”

but sharon does bother. she sends natasha pictures at least two times a week, pictures of her apartment or her desk or her dog, with some silly caption.

(natasha never responds, but she knows sharon knows she’s reading them. she checks every single one) 

* * *

there is an apartment in new york, leased to one mila petrovich. the neighbors love it, since its occupant is quiet, and never interrupts their affairs.

(not that anyone knows what the occupant looks like)

it lost its use, mostly, after she dumped shield’s files. but it was good enough in a pinch, and this definitely qualified as a pinch.

if by pinch, you meant gunshot wound to the shoulder.

she didn’t want to go to avengers tower. she would have to explain what happened, and she didn’t want to do that. she didn’t have the energy.

so there she was, stumbling up three flights of stairs to get to a dingy two room apartment she hadn’t used in almost two years, hoping no one would see the dark red seeping through her jacket.

after she stitched herself up, took about three hundred painkillers and sleeping pills, and slept for a good 16 hours, she felt good enough to get up and walk around.

the fridge was empty, of course, but there was something on the counter. something that she certainly had not left here.

it was a plate of cookies, with a note.

“heard you might be in town”

god bless sam wilson. 

* * *

she’s maintained a business relationship with maria hill for years. its hard not to, since maria was her co when she first came to shield, and had vouched for her more than once.

but she didn’t consider their relationship to be anything beyond that (and a healthy amount of respect). they weren’t friends, or even that close, but they were together during hydra’s attack. and that apparently meant something to maria.

they had each others numbers, for emergencies. but it wasn’t until close to a year later that maria contacted her.

from HILL: im playing bingo  
from HILL: its on how many racist and sexist things i can get told in a single day  
from HILL: im going for a blackout  
from HILL: its going very well

natasha stared blankly at the screen for a moment. she wanted to laugh, it was so ridiculous.

to HILL: just don’t punch anyone that can fire you  
to HILL: well since you work for stark now, i suppose you can get away with almost anything  
from HILL: im counting on it

* * *

from MARIA: hanging out with pepper would be so much more fun if you were here

she didn’t know how to respond to that, so she didn’t.

* * *

from STEVE: come to avengers tower  
to STEVE: why  
to STEVE: im doing fine on my own  
from STEVE: im not saying youre not but  
from STEVE: when was the last time you actually talked to one of your friends  
to STEVE: steve  
to STEVE: i don’t get to have friends

(which may not be true (but she doesnt want to think (doesn’t dare to think) otherwise). she cant have friends)

from STEVE: nat.

(because thats the whole problem, isn’t it? at the center of all the running, hiding, leaving. she doesn’t get to have friends)

from STEVE: haven’t you been paying attention?

(and that’s really why she’s a monster. more than the things she’s done, more than the people she’s killed. she’s let her friends die, and that’s whats unforgivable)

from STEVE: you have the avengers

(people who get close to her die)

from STEVE: we’re youre family

(that’s just how it is)

to STEVE: not by choice, you’re not  
to STEVE: circumstance put us together  
to STEVE: i know where im wanted, and its not with you

(does it have to be that way)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter deals pretty heavily with anxiety/panic, and a brief mention of suicidal ideation

the first time it happens, it hits natasha like a truck going 70 down a freeway.

she wasn't even on an assignment, just out for an evening jog. all of a sudden, her stomach contorted, making her want to throw up. her hands start shaking, and she knew without seeing that all the color has drained from her face.

she sits down heavily on a bench, trying to slow her breathing. it doesn't work. there's nothing she can do but sit there until her shaking and heaving subside enough for her to walk.

her apartment would be the logical place to go, but she knows, somehow, that her apartment isn't safe, that there is someone there waiting for her with a knife.

(should she just accept the knife? make everyone's lives a bit better?)

so she goes to the only place she can think of within walking distance. steve's.

it wouldn't be her first choice, but it's far from her last, and instinct tells her steve won't judge her. (too much)

it takes almost 30 minutes to make her way there, twice what it should have. she knows where he keeps his spare key (above the door frame, isn't that typical?), so she just lets herself in. he isn't home, which she figured. so she waits.

* * *

 

it had taken longer than usual to wrap up things with stark, and he had then gone and visited sam, so steve knew he was home late. he didn't mind, since he had no one to be home for.

that made his guest even more unexpected.

the confusion passed quickly as he recognized the red hair, the familiar black tank top.

"nat?"

he could see her inhale, shoulders shaking slightly, but she doesn't respond, doesn't even turn her head to look at him.

hanging up his coat, he walks to the couch and sits down as slowly and gently as possible.

"nat, talk to me. what's wrong?"

she takes another shaky breath before responding. "i don't know. i don't know what's wrong. i was out and then something just..." she trails off, her eyes staring blankly ahead.

steve didn't know how to help without identifying the problem, but he wasn't going to not try. "hey, it'll be okay. you're safe here." he wrapped an arm around natasha's shoulders, pulling her against his shoulder. "i'm not going to let anyone hurt you. you know that, right?"

natasha let out a small, strained laugh. "i know that you like to make promises you can't keep."

"well, i'll do my damned best to keep that one."

"i don't need your protection, you know."

"yeah, i know."

steve could feel natasha relaxing into him, and her breathing slowed. it wasn't long before he realized she was asleep. he smiled at that, wondering how many people natasha was comfortable enough with to let down her guard like that. if he fell asleep like this, his neck would hurt like hell, but he wasn't willing to move and disturb her.

(besides, super solider serum had its perks).

in the morning, he would be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed that natasha had gotten up and left without so much as a note.

* * *

 

from MARIA: hey nat  
from MARIA: you, me, sharon. girl’s night out.  
to MARIA: seriously? isn't that for teenagers?  
from MARIA: it's mandatory.

and so natasha found herself sitting in a questionable looking bar, wearing a dress that was far too long.

(there was a scar on her right knee that she didn't like to show off. it was a reminder of a mission gone very, very wrong)

as skeptical as she had been at first, natasha had to admit that it wasn't a bad time. sharon was a good person to talk to, and maria was actually funny when she loosened up. she actually felt something other than tense for the first time in weeks.

and then it happened again. the horrible, chest-crushing emotion that she didn't have the words to explain.

(she might have had words, but she didn't want to use them)

"i need some air," she declared, standing up so fast that her chair almost tumbled to the ground and making a beeline for the exit.

air, as it turned out, didn't help. natasha leaned against the side of the building, breathing in short gasps.

when sharon and maria came out, she was still pale and shaking.

"i'm fine, really," she said, waving away sharon's opened mouth.

maria shot a glance at sharon, asking something. sharon nodded slightly, indicating assent to the wordless request. if natasha hadn't been looking, she probably would have missed the exchange entirely.

"i have an apartment five minutes from here. let's go," sharon said firmly, daring natasha to argue.

natasha opened her mouth to do just that, but maria gently took her elbow. "nat. don’t fight."

biting her lip, natasha looked between maria's hand and sharon's determined face. there really wasn't much point in trying.

taking her silence as agreement, maria led her away from the bar, keeping a hold on nat's elbow. sharon walked behind them, a hand in her pocket where natasha was sure there was a gun or knife.

(she made it to the apartment only stumbling once. maria caught her, and even though natasha didn't say thank you, she thought maria understood)

someone passed them on the stairwell in sharon's building. natasha was too fuzzy to register who it was, but she heard sharon talking to them quietly for a moment.

sharon's apartment was small, but well-kept and organized. maria led natasha to the couch, sitting down next to her. sharon brought her a cup of water, which she accepted gladly. sharon sat down on her other side, forming a sense of protection. that calmed natasha's breathing more than anything else.

(she didn't need protecting. she was deadly. but it was nice to have someone who cared once in a while)

"do you want to surf netflix?" sharon asked. "i'm sure we could find something fun to watch."

natasha nodded. she hoped that sharon understood she was being genuine, even if her eyes were glued to her lap.

they ended up finding some crappy cartoon that was probably aimed at people who didn't murder for a living, but the colors were soft and there were no loud noises. natasha didn't know at what point she started feeling better, but she managed to get her heartbeat back to normal before midnight.

* * *

 

she didn't know what to make of bucky barnes. he was so much like her. molded into a killer by russians, then spat out bearing marks that could never be erased.

(the difference, she knew, was that bucky had been forced. he hadn't known who he was. natasha had never lost sight of herself)

he was hesitant around her. she thought someone had told him about how he tried to kill her in odessa, but she wasn't certain. she tried to be kind to him, and they got to be closer with time. he had a dry sense of humor that rarely showed, but it came out more and more often around natasha.

she didn't ask steve about who he was. steve could only tell her who bucky had been, and she knew that was useless information. you didn't go through what bucky had and come out unchanged.

he didn't seem to have any better of a grasp on assimilating than natasha had at first. she did her best to help where she could, giving him tips about places that were less likely to overload senses, or how to deal with the loud noises that were inescapable in new york.

she thought he appreciated it, but it was hard to tell.

(he stayed the night with her sometimes. they both woke up screaming in russian, but at least there was someone there who understood)

* * *

there was a time where she thought she had sam figured out. she was only half right.

he was, at his core, a moral person. he liked to help people, and saw the best in everyone. he was genuine.

but he wasn't naive. he took the world at face value, not some idealized place. He didn't hesitate to kick ass when it was needed.

she was so worried for him. the other avengers, they had long since lost much of what sam still had. she didn't want him to lose that morality and love. sure, he saw the bad in the world, and he didn't beat around the bush with it, but he also saw the good. that was hard when your job was fighting evil.

he helped her without trying. or maybe he was trying, and she was just too callous to see it. it was sam that made her feel needed. when she tried to distance herself, he didn't let that happen.

not that he didn't give her space. when she truly needed to be alone, he could tell, and he let her go. he was never overbearing or pushy, but he included her.

(he didn't know her, not really. he hadn't read her file, filled with the names of the people she had killed, written in red ink. he didn't see the blood on her hands. if he had, he never would have spoken to her)

* * *

(did she have friends?

probably. she had people who cared about her. that was a good start.

but they couldn't care about her. not really)

(she let them into her heart. just a little, but enough that it would hurt when she finally killed them)


End file.
